Women in Los Angeles

Women in Los Angeles


Are you a guy dating in Los Angeles? Check out this follow-up article about one man’s experiences and frustration with dating single women in LA.

Women in Los Angeles

Alan Poulson / 123RF Photo

The article I wrote about dating in Los Angeles got quite a few responses. Given the number of reader comments the article received (accusing me of making things up, only dating much younger women, only going for “hotties”) I’ve decided to offer even more of my not-unique-experiences about what it’s like to be a single man in L.A. who still hasn’t given up on dating — yet.

First off, to be fair, I’d like to point out that I’ve had many wonderful dates, but what follows is a compilation of less than perfect outings — and believe me, they are not a rarity. I would categorize these dates as fuzzy logic with a shot of alcohol.

I still believe in chivalrous values, so typically I’ll volunteer to drive to my date’s neighborhood in order to save her from a long drive and hopefully (and more selfishly), so she won’t have the “terrible L.A. traffic” as her excuse for being late. This policy has failed miserably.

On one occasion, my date suggested we meet at a wine bar near her house, I agreed and the date was on. We sat down, she ordered a glass and I followed her lead and ordered the same wine. What could go wrong? We had an enjoyable and spirited conversation, filled with laughter and repartee. After about 45 minutes I noticed my glass was empty and hers was still full, untouched. I asked if the wine was not to her liking, we could order another.

Her response was, “I never drink wine,” and she tapped the guy at the table next to ours and offered him her glass, then picked up the wine menu and said, “Let’s see what I’ll order next.”

It was a surreal moment. I sat back in my chair, looked around and thought to myself: I’m in a wine bar that only serves wine with a date who selected this establishment who never drinks wine yet orders wine. On top of that, I’m buying wine for the guy sitting at the next table. I needed a drink, fast!

I asked her why she selected a wine bar if she doesn’t drink wine? After all, I’m a vegetarian and would never take a date to a steak house, order chateaubriand for both of us, watch her eat and then offer my untouched plate to the closest stranger.

Her response, “I don’t know!” with a dismissive shrug.

Another time, I was at dinner with a date, I informed her that I could not drink alcohol due to an early morning flight and the requirement of no booze 12 hours before flying a commercial aircraft.

She became defiant and aggressive, insisting that I order a glass of wine, to the point of taunting and challenging my professional ethics. Her forceful demand was based on the premise that it wouldn’t make a difference. I agreed with her that it wouldn’t make a difference, but I signed up for a particular profession and agreed to abide to the rules, furthermore why jeopardize my career over something as discretionary as alcohol? To no avail, she couldn’t let it go. It became a point of contention the entire night.

Then there are the simply strange characters.

I once picked up my date from her aunt’s house. Most women carry a purse; this woman had a roll-aboard suitcase. I know going on a date with me can be a trip but this was a first. At the end or our date, she asked if she could move in with me, apparently she was homeless.

Another time I had a woman constantly looking over my shoulder during our date. I inquired if she knew the couple behind me. She said no, but they were very jealous and she could read their minds. Her anger grew to a point where I had to plead with her not to go over and start a fight.

And I’ll never forget the time I arranged a date to the Hollywood Bowl for an open-air summer concert. The plan was for us to meet at my house and I would take care of transportation to the Bowl. From my house we got into my car and drove to the Santa Monica DMV parking lot where dedicated buses had assembled to ferry concert goers to the destination.

My date refused to get on the bus. It was beneath her to be seen on “public transportation.” I tried to convince her it was the most efficient and easiest way to get there, and to imagine it was a $150,000 chauffeur-driven limo … with a few friends. Long story short: I ended up driving. She wouldn’t budge.

The roller coaster known as dating in Los Angeles is nothing less than walking into a big dark room full of surprises. I wish it were different, the level of dysfunction and unrealistic expectations makes it very challenging.

I listen to women. They say they want a guy who is educated, well-traveled, financially stable, communicative, gregarious, active, funny, motivated, driven, tall, chiseled — yet what do these women bring to the table?

Some are living in tiny studios barely eking out a living, with a high school or AA degree. The extent of their travels has been trips to Vegas. And I’m not talking about 20-year-olds; I’m describing women in their 30s, 40s and 50s. They all love travel and want to go someplace with “a beach,” have a “dream home”, shop at “Nordies,” drive a “Beamer” and to be with the “perfect catch.”

I once had a date tell me she broke up with her rich boyfriend because he was too cheap. I asked, “Are you cheap?” She replied “How can I be cheap?  I don’t have any money!”

I said, “What I mean is, are you cheap with your affection, humanity, love? Your boyfriend had something you wanted: money. You had something he wanted: company, affection and compassion. Were you cheap?”

Her body language spoke volumes, her arms and legs crossed, she leaned back and I could see complete disapproval. I’d touched a sore spot.

Who are these women? They are your neighbors, sisters, friends, coworkers … maybe even you. A lot of them are on dating websites marketing themselves in a way that doesn’t reflect reality. And therein lies the challenge, deciphering reality from the imaginary.

A study found that 64 percent of women who are members of online dating sites lie about their age, while “honesty” was the number one characteristic they wanted in a man. (To be fair, the study noted that about the same percentage of men lie about their height and finances).

The way we process the suitability of an individual is based on the fantasy they’ve created and how it relates to our own. In our Internet world we’ve forgotten that people aren’t commodities, neatly packaged and displayed like products for sale in a catalog. And at the same time, we’ve let it become our primary means of connecting to the opposite sex. Somewhere in the process of “improving” the convenience of making romantic connections, we’ve lost an important element of our humanity.

Copyright © Kredu/2013 Singular Communications, LLC.

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12 thoughts on “Women in Los Angeles

  1. I found the article entertaining. My female friends often laugh at my online dating stories.
    My biggest concern has been rejection at first sight before I can utter a word by men with whom I’ve exchanged in-depth emails for several weeks and who are educated, intelligent, the same age or older, apparently sane, etc. These men have loved my photos which are current but their faces fall with disappointment and they can’t muster a smile if the instant chemistry they demand is lacking.
    As a slender former photographer’s model and current athlete, I’m not overweight and I’m told regularly that I look younger than my 60 Something age. I’m educated (Master’s Degree), intelligent (in Mensa which I usually don’t mention), financially independent, creative (writer/editor and visual artist), emotionally stable, and fun, so it’s disappointing that my intangible assets don’t count with most men I’ve met.
    It’s all about appearance. It’s not much better when some men fall in love with me instantly because it’s superficial also. It’s sad that the many snap-judging men aren’t open to becoming friends first or at least gradually getting to know women. Relationship experts attest to some of the happiest marriages starting out as friendships.
    I realize that some women may snap judge men, but the women I know and I need time to gradually develop feelings of chemistry because it’s based on how well men treat us, rather than looks.
    Being single works for me but I’m also open to a long-term committed love relationship. Having had three such relationships for a total of 37 years, I’d like to meet a forever soulmate.

  2. Thanks for stimulating a very interesting number of responses. Making sure to keep “first dates” simple and basic is key to avoiding disappointments. As well, as previously stated, screen via telephone conversations. A very useful technique on the phone (or in person): ask open-ended questions, then be silent and let the other person begin to talk. They will fill in the silence with more and more information about themselves, because people generally feel somewhat uncomfortable with silence. People like to talk about themselves, and you will end up with plenty of information to help decide if a first date is even worth your while. One “bad” first date that eliminates consideration of the person who could have become your worst nightmare should be appreciated as a valuable experience :).

    I would also point out that the author may wish to consider women from other parts of Southern California. You would be surprised at how grounded and caring are the women who live outside the West LA and LA part of Southern California. Orange County has been given a ‘bad rap’ but I have found women in OC to be exceptionally open to diversity and humble.


  3. Great article Carl! For a while I was starting to think this town was possessed by aliens. I’ve had similar bizarre experiences, akin to yours. The wine bar was classic, I had almost the same thing.

    Women in LA have this sense of entitlement. It’s crazy, like they descended from the goddess Venus. I’m sure some men do, but I have no experience there.

    A know a whole group of girls, all very attractive. Dated high power people. All too good for anyone, they all ended up with no one. (In their late 40’s now)

    Maybe broken people. It’s sad

    I found that I simply refuse to date anyone born in Los Angeles, or even the United States. I’ve had wonderful relationships with girls that were raised with European (western of course) or Asian values.

    Cheers for being honest.

  4. As a man, this article really got me and not in a good way. All of this stuff sure sounds made up. Guess good story lines for a TV dating sitcom. I get the feeling that the author doesn’t know how to filter out a woman over the phone, etc before meeting. Maybe he comes off so “Arrogant” he puts them off to get back at him. Who knows. Some people are so desperate and will go out with anyone that smiles at them. Do your homework when you have enough information, even if looking up on Facebook, Google, find out if “six degrees of separation” connections, etc.

    Since my divorce years ago, I’ve dated more than I want to admit, a great cross section of mostly Jewish women, mostly on the Westside or valley. I’ve met wonderful people and had some great loving relationships and never had issues described. I have never heard of such stories (not to say it doesn’t happen). The only ones that stick out in my mind were after several dates, observing there was one that was OCD, one that was an alcoholic, and the other that was bi-polar. I walked after really “seeing” who they were. Everyone else was appreciative and seemed normal.

    I do agree a significant number of men and women lie about their age, body image, and post pictures that are not current. I ask questions before meeting assessing those type of things and usually get accurate (okay sometimes slightly fudged) but straight answers. Then it is my decision to meet or not. And they are assessing me — goes both ways!

    I take pride in keeping my profiles accurate and current. If you can’t start a relationship truthfully, then what? I try to update my primary picture every several months and keep previous ones posted. And make sure there is a body shot besides a head shot. Easier to tell the truth than lie. I’ve even said after having a date(s), re-read my profile and does it reflect who I am, my character, communication skills and being emotionally open for a relationship. I certainly re-read the profile they posted. Oh, I do admit I make my mistakes, apologize as appropriate, and I try to use as a learning experience but for the most part I am one of the nice guys out here.

    One last thing, while I have this forum, I know is a concern. If you go out and don’t want to see the person again for whatever reason, have the courtesy to call or email them and say thanks but not a connection. Being nice can go a long way. Never know, maybe the person isn’t a connection, but they have a friend to set up and if you don’t follow through and “close” — okay you get it?

    Don’t give up, there are wonderful people out there. Don’t look for the worst, look for the best. Being a numbers “game” all it takes is the special one.

    1. Joel,

      I wish I had the creativity to make these stories up, I’d be rich and famous. I’m writing from experience and sharing. I’m glad to hear you’ve had better results in the dating world.

  5. Interesting article Carl but its not it’s not just the women in LA.

    I often meet men who say they love to travel but have not been any further than Las Vegas and I work in the travel industry and travel internationally , they all seem to have a problem that I leave for a week long trip and could join me if they Really wanted to travel.
    Most men seem to lie about their height and often their age to mention just a few.

    My online profile is 100% truthful as I don’t want to start a relationship based on lies and I expect the same from someone I meet. Unfortunately it’s very frustrating process but I know friends who have successfully met their partners online so sticking at it.

    BTW love the bus to the Hollywood Bowl, sure beats driving any day!!

    1. Cherryl,
      Your willingness to travel alone is commendable, I’m always impressed with women who jump into a culture and don’t depend or wait on a man to assist. I was in Sri Lanka in November and met a tall German woman in the middle of the jungle… alone. We chatted and she just decided to hit the road and see the world, unafraid and defiant of cultural norms.
      I agree, the bus to the bowl is the way to go.

  6. Wow, you’ve really met some winners, Carl! My advice would be to quit online dating, it obviously isn’t working for you. Only go out with women you have actually met in person and taken a liking to. Sure, you’ll go on a lot less dates, but I wager they’ll be a lot more fun! You can have a very active social life by doing more things with friends instead of potential mates. Who knows? Maybe one of those friends will turn into a potential mate. And you can fill up your social calendar simply by doing Singular activities! Good luck, I feel for you! Stop spending your time on losers!

  7. Really enjoyed your follow up and could probably match your experiences from the female perspective (just out of prison but failed to tell me unti the fifth date, guy with the 8 million dollar house in Malibu whose wife lived on the upper level while he had a room by the garage, film director who just got married but whose self written vows never mentioned monogamy so still wanted me on the side etc etc!! End result? No interest in dating or relationships as everyone here seems to be looking for some fantasy (myself included) that always proves disappointing. I actually love being single – no drama or felons and freedom to enjoy the experiences I want. Good luck in your search and please keep us updated!

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