Why men lie to women.

Why Men Lie to Women


Telling lies isn’t gender-specific, but have you ever noticed how some of the nicest guys will tell the women they like the biggest lies?

Why men lie to women.
123RF Photo

I recently saw a comedian do a routine about why men lie to women. Like all good comedy, it was truth delivered in jest. Men lie to women because they like them — or rather when they like them — and the more they like them, the more they’re apt to lie. Yep! According to this guy, men don’t concoct tall tales for women they don’t care about. Why bother? But if it’s a woman he wants to please, he’ll tell her whatever he thinks she wants to hear. If that requires a lie, so be it.

I thought that was pretty interesting, given that from a woman’s point of view, a man who lies is one of the worst things ever. It qualifies him for a red suit, horns and pitchfork. That’s despite the fact that a fib delivered as flattery, like telling her she is the most beautiful woman in the world, comes with a “get out of jail free” card.

Bigger fabrications — like telling her, “I have to take my grandma to Costco on Friday night” instead of “I’m going to a strip club for my buddy’s bachelor party” — are a necessary evil because he knows she would never graciously accept the truth. A little lie will allow him to enjoy a harmless night out with his buddies without enduring a ration of wrath from her. If that takes a lie, then one will be manufactured, and peace will reign on all fronts.

It took me a long time to accept this about men. Before that, I was the vigilant truth detector, super sleuth, going-to-bust-you-if-you-lie-to-me kind of gal. And guess what? It made the men in my life want to lie to me even more. My demands for perfection were so ridiculously high that in order to appease me, telling a few lies was the only alternative — or at least for the poor guys who still wanted to date me.

A few real-life examples? My ex-husband tried to hide the fact that he skipped paying the rent one month before we got married. I came home from work to find an eviction notice on the front door. Huh? I’d been sending the rent check in faithfully for months! When I called the landlord to inquire, I was told that Philip didn’t pay rent in July (it was now November).

Yes, Philip was a flake, but he was also terrified to tell me the details of his financial situation because he knew I would freak out. The more I tried to control him and make sure he did things the way I thought they should be done, the more he had to lie in an effort to keep things peaceful at home — not a smart move, but in his mind, better to have peace now and deal with the repercussions later.

More tragic, I remember listening to a woman tell how she discovered early in her marriage that her husband, the father of her two children, had been married and divorced before he married her. She was going through some old papers stored in the attic and found the divorce document. When he was in the Army and stationed overseas, he had married and divorced a German woman. The past marriage was discovered early in their marriage and she hated him for it. Her discovery created an abyss between them that never healed, and she used it to create a wedge between her husband and their children. Liar! Liar! Liar!

Fact is, he didn’t tell her about the previous marriage because he knew she wouldn’t marry him if she knew. That was back in the day when “proper” people didn’t get divorced. The marriage in Germany happened when he was 19 and ended before he was 20. There were no children. He wasn’t the devil incarnate; he was a man who didn’t want to tell the woman he loved something she wouldn’t accept. He knew if he told her, it would result in the breakup of their engagement because she would never marry a divorced man.

Now I don’t want to excuse him for that. Lying, bottom line, is wrong. But what I realize now is that the more men like us, the more they want to please us, even if it requires some creative reality. And when we women lay down the law, the more the men in our lives are put into situations where a lie can look like the best solution. What a mess!

A pathological liar is going to lie to anyone at any time. But your average Joe, if he likes you, will likely spin a few tall tales if he knows it will make you like him more — or even just to see you smile. Accepting that will make both of you a lot happier and create an environment where the bigger lies — the ones that cause the real damage — won’t be such a temptation. When he knows you accept him as he is, that you appreciate him at face value, he won’t need to deceive you… unless you ask him if your new jeans make you look fat.

Copyright © Kim Calvert/2017 Singular Communications, LLC.

Kim Calvert editor of Singular magazine.
Kim Calvert is the editor of 
Singular magazine and the founder of the SingularCity social networking community. Kim oversees the creative direction and editorial content of the magazine and online social networking community. She secures contributors and is responsible for maintaining the fun, upbeat, inspirational and often-humorous tone of Singular, a lifestyle guide for successful city living.

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11 thoughts on “Why Men Lie to Women

  1. Lying is never OK. Even if you attempt to “convince your partner there is no negative consequence for telling the truth”, some people (male or female) will STILL CHOOSE TO LIE. That is a choice- – the choice to manipulate another person’s reality and control their decisions for your own personal gain.

    Why do we write articles making excuses for men to continue outdated and utterly irresponsible behavior? TELL THE TRUTH TO YOUR PARTNER. PERIOD. Allow him or her to make choices that best suit their lifestyles, goals, and interests. How do you know what a partner will or won’t accept unless you give them opportunity to have the full truth and decide for themselves?! You don’t. You are ASSUMING how they will respond and using that as a TERRIBLE excuse to justify your own lack of morals. No. No. No. NO. This is terrible advice. Let’s not raise the next generation of boys to think this way smh.

    1. ok, lol, what’s your response when he says he doesn’t have a job, but he really loves you and has for a very long time?

  2. Cowards lie, n die n die n die!
    Fools tell the truth and expect it should not cost them.
    Someone who loves pays the price up front so they can at least live with themselves even if you cant.

  3. Asking a man to tell you the truth is begging them to lie to you again. Men lie because they can. They would rather lie than tell the truth because the truth of any matter actually takes some relating and men have no idea how to relate to a woman. It’s common no matter what flavor they are, men lie!

  4. It’s really quite simple. There’s only one reason men (or women, for that matter) lie. Because they think they will suffer some penalty for telling the truth! If you can sincerely convey to your partner that you WANT to hear their truth, no matter how sad, discouraging, or disappointing it may be, and that they will suffer no PUNISHMENT for their honesty…they will never feel the need to lie to you! It may take some convincing to make them believe that! And it may requite a lot of internal work on your part, to bring yourself to a place where you can truly say you would rather hear the unvarnished truth than a flattering lie. But it you can do that, you can create a relationship where honesty can be taken for granted.

  5. What l have found is, that once (most) men get comfortable and secure within the relationship and most likely when they sense that their woman has started to behave less inquiring of his (or both) their lack of short term memory or lack of preparing for future plans … in other words, she gets now more “distraught” by the mundane or daily routines of things they will do in their “new comfortable world” … slowly (almost undetected) his little “white lies” will start… often if found out we (women) will laugh at their silliness…. but some asap behind the door they start drawing a loss/gain balance sheet, others flow right on, disregarding those flags! Not until the flags start rapidly changing colors, do we jolt from a coma! …. we realize suddenly, that some men do come to relationships, as if infected with a nasty “virus of disregard” for the “highly valuable emotional investment” women tend to place at the start of that “comfortable stage” . Don’t ask why many men are letter left wondering, why is she so uptight? … if it was only a white little lie! …

    1. Lying is always an interesting topic, however it’s much more complicated than admitted. I think this article greatly oversimplifies this topic. There are many types of lying and many people may fit into several categories at once. Lying is also sometimes difficult to detect, and the truth is often mistaken for a lie or for bigotry. Here are some examples, but I don’t consider this list exhaustive.

      Some people will not ever lie, even to convince you of something. I actually think I am one of those. We are seen as withdrawn and bashful until you get to know us. We do have sense of humor, but are almost always serious. We are very bad at advertising for ourselves. Any kind of self-promotion is uncomfortable for us. We make extremely bad salespeople. It’s not that we never lie; but the only reason we ever lie is for self-protection from physical threats and violence or from unjust consequences. If you can recognize one, his type of person is extremely loyal once an intimate connection is made, and very good at long-term relationships; however if you have friends that like to party and exaggerate and gossip you can be sure this type of person will not “fit in”.

      Many time people tell lies about themselves because they really wish those lies were true, and really believe them as truth. Such lies are told not only to others but to yourself. If you try to disillusion this kind of lie, you could damage the person psychologically.

      Some people tell lies mostly about other people. Gossip is usually this type of lie. A good rule is to always verify and do not believe anything someone tells you about another person without making your own evaluation. You never know what motives a person my have to telling you supposed facts about someone else. Beware what a gossip will say to someone else about you. It’s dangerous to be in any relationship with a gossip because nothing is private.

      Many people are “Natural Salesman” types. A huckster is someone who is not just overconfident, but makes up personal and other characteristics about self, accomplishments, others etc. This type of person has little respect for others and should be avoided because will try to take advantage of you. This kind of person cannot be trusted.

      There is another type of person who seems like a huckster but is not. This type of person is just an honest narcissist, and will exaggerate things but not tell actual lies. Bombastic. Exudes confidence. Many people have difficult telling this type of person from a huckster, but there is a distinct difference and this type of person can be trusted if you learn to translate what they say into reality. Our new President is a great example of this type of person. I have been his fan ever since he first started running in the primaries because I recognized him as an honest person – not many of these exist in politics. Many people were (and still are) put off by his exaggerations and are confused, but I see him as a very sincere and honest bombastic person. Some people say he lies and makes up things, but I don’t think so; people who say that have never listened carefully to him.

      In the 2016-7 politics we have seen many types of lying and deception. But many people are not skilled in differentiating between truth and likes. We all need to be suspicious of any story that cannot be verified by other means whether it comes from another person or from a politician. Unfortunately the people most likely to tell you lies are people you are familiar with – the ones you think are your friends and acquaintances.

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