For the benefit of single guys everywhere, a relationship coach has tips on how to manage what he calls a disgraceful holiday: Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and I’m getting sick to my stomach just thinking about it. But this year, instead of stocking up on Mylanta, I’ve decided to hop up on my soapbox and put an end to this disgraceful holiday once and for all. Cupid’s on my hit list and I’m about to take him out.
Now before you accuse me of being a disgruntled, bitter misogynist, please let me explain. Speaking to you as a relationship coach, I firmly believe that V-Day does NOT lead to increased romance or intimacy and actually does more harm than good. “How,” you ask? Let’s take a look at Valentine’s Day’s top five flaws:
|Flaw #1: Quite frankly, it’s not a “real” holiday to begin with. Everybody knows Hallmark/Norcross created Valentine’s Day to sell more cards and teddy bears, therefore no man should feel obligated to celebrate it. If McDonald’s decided to launch “Chicken McNugget Day,” should our girlfriends be forced to flock to the drive-thru and secure us a hefty 20-piece with extra sweet and sour? (Not such a bad idea, actually.)|
|Flaw #2: Everything is marked up the wazoo and ridiculously overpriced. The fact that our Christmas credit card bills just arrived a week ago doesn’t stop the chick crack-peddlers from charging $90 for roses and $300 for a miniature teddy bear. Those greedy bastards make us pay out the ying-yang simply because they know we don’t have a choice. It’s bad enough that we’re forced to bow down to our corporate masters on the 14th. Do they really have to take EXTRA advantage of us while we assume the position?|
|Flaw #3: It makes some women cry their eyes out and binge on Ho-Ho’s and ice cream. If not just about what you get, it’s about what you don’t get. Then you’re left feeling undervalued, unappreciated, unloved and essentially an all-around, sad-sack of suckiness. Let’s face it ladies, as much as you love the big day when you’re all hitched up, when you don’t have a man in your life you pray for the entire month of February to fall right off the calendar. All kidding aside, society puts enough pressure on females to begin with. Should we really support a holiday that tries to make women who aren’t in a relationship feel bad about themselves?|
|Flaw #4: Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a ridiculous competition between a woman and her girlfriends. It’s no secret that women compete with each other over who’s got the best job, biggest rock, cutest Chihuahua, and of course, the most romantic (and generous) partner. Now this wouldn’t be so bad if someone’s boyfriend didn’t inevitably go overboard each year and make the rest of us look bad. Case in point, Samantha’s new pair of Manolos and suitcase-sized LV bag makes your long-stemmed rose and two boxes of heart-shaped Peeps seem meager by comparison. Now keep in mind that if Samantha wins the unspoken competition, then your girlfriend loses. If your girlfriend loses, YOU lose. You just lost four large on the Super Bowl and now you’re stuck sleeping on your beanbag chair. Be sure to keep the Suicide Hotline at the top of your speed-dial.|
|Flaw #5: The massive expectation dooms it to failure. Sorry ladies, but your expectations around this pseudo-holiday sucks all the romance right out of it. Believe me, your man isn’t making a mad dash to the flower shop to show you how much he cares. The real reason he just dropped $400 on a dozen long stems is because he enjoys the comfort of his bed and has no desire to sleep on the couch. When Tony Soprano stops by our hotdog stand, we don’t hand over our cash to show our appreciation. We do it because we’re SCARED of what he’s gonna do to us if we don’t. F.Y.I., most guys would gladly take a Joe Pesci-style beating over getting locked in the “va-jay-jay deprivation tank” for six months straight. Just sayin…|
|The Solution: My Love Tactic #9. I can easily list another ba-jillion issues but let’s move forward and focus on an adequate solution. Now, in order to convince your girlfriend to happily give up the celebration of corporate greed known as Valentine’s Day, you have to offer her up something even better. So in the name of REAL romance, I present to you my “love tactic #9.”|
Here’s how it works:
Right after New Years, you should begin “selling” your girlfriend on the points I just covered. Be sure to stress that there’s nothing romantic about Valentine’s Day and that you’ve come up with a solution that will make her feel even more loved and appreciated and bring the two of you even closer together.
Next, you introduce a brand, spanking new holiday into the mix. If your girlfriend’s name is DeAnna, you would say, “This is what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna scrap V-Day and replace it with a brand new holiday called ‘DeAnna Day.’ Now, D-day is kind of like V-day in many ways. You may still get flowers and chocolate, etc. but it’s going to be a TRUE celebration of my feelings for you for a number of reasons. There’s no obligation surrounding it. It’s a holiday that will be celebrated by us and only us, and since it falls on a different day every year, you’re always guaranteed to be surprised. On top of that, it’s just so much cooler than Valentine’s Day because it’s OUR holiday and we have total control over it.”
Keep stressing that D-Day will be much more romantic and special than V-Day could ever be and your girl will almost always go for it. Not to mention, when she brags to her girlfriends about it, they’ll all be jealous and your girl gets to win the competition. Note: the more things you do to avoid clichés, set yourself apart from other men and help her win these unspoken competitions, the more she will be attracted to you.
Also, be sure to quickly capitalize on your momentum by saying, “Now since you think D-Day is such a good idea, I was wondering… how do you feel about instituting a “Jay Day” into the mix? I’m picturing you parading around the house in a sexy little outfit, cooking my favorite dinner, hand-feeding me grapes while I watch the game and then stripping down naked and baking me a batch of brownies in the buff. What do you think? Don’t I deserve a Jay Day?”
Nine times out of ten, she’ll happily agree. Congrats. You now have your own manly holiday where your scantily-clad girlfriend showers you with 24-hours worth of worship and servitude, uhh… I mean love and romance, and you finally get to feel like the kingly stud that you are. Rock on!