Singles advice guru Marnie Macauley has humorous and savvy solutions for handling a gambling debt, developing a healthy body image and believing Ouija boards.
GUYS NIGHT OUT TURNS BLOTTO
Dear Marnie: Last week I went out with a pal. We’re both single guys in our 30s who recently got “dumped.” We went to a casino in a neighboring state, got blitzed, and lost — literally. I blew $1,800. During the course of the night (which extended past midnight), my pal took out $1,000 with his ATM card and gave it to me. The next day, naturally, I freaked. Marnie, I’m in a tough financial position now. (My friend’s situation is better, but not great.) He reluctantly offered to split my losses with me so I’m not sure what to do here. PS. I don’t need the speech. I’ve vowed never to drink and gamble again! — At a Loss
MARNIE SAYS: Of course you know what to do. You’re just hoping I’ll “give you permission” to take his noble offer and cut your losses at all costs. Sorry, friend.
Getting It! Your Personal Strategy:
* The dangerous truth: Two friends ran from their misery together into wild, drunken abandon.
* The ethical question: Should he have stopped you? Ah … now that’s the teeny wormhole here. Sure, pals should have each other’s back, but you were both sloshing around with purple pupils. He was in no shape to babysit. And you, sweetie, are no baby.
* Pay him. All of it. Work an extra shift. Sell something. Pay up within two weeks. Here’s why:
a) If you bail, you’ll fail you. That $1,000 has to hurt — bad — so you will never let hooch, a bad patch or a one-armed bandit blow your bankroll again.
b) If you bail, he’ll flail and sail. He offered to let you off the hook. Trust me. Don’t trust it. Even blotto, he didn’t “craps” away his rent. You did. Failing to pay up is pal poison.
And next time you two are “dumpstered,” think about doing something safe … like sky-diving.
THE NAKED TRUTH
Dear Marnie: I am uncomfortable with my body because I believe I’m a bit fat. This makes it hard to be naked in front of men. I should add, I’ve never gotten any complaints, in fact, the opposite, but I still feel embarrassed. How do I get over this? — NoStkyfig
MARNIE SAYS: Your question gave me a craving for a big slice of chocolate cheesecake. I could suggest you lose a few … but hey, if that’s what you wanted you’d be pumping away at Curvy Ladies, not writing to an ample advice duenna. Is there a woman alive, apart from Keira Knightley and Kate Moss, who doesn’t think she could double for a dirigible? Assuming Goodyear hasn’t asked to advertise via your derriere, and you’re healthy, we’ve got some work to do, because we women have been wronged right to our Tootsie Roll centers.
Getting It! “Our” Personal Strategy:
*Go (yes now) and torch any magazine that features size 4, 15-year-old nymphets with legs like number 2 pencils, who are stabbing their way through your precious self-image. Their evil presence is a perverse plot perpetrated by neutered cultural engineers who spend their days air-brushing cellulite.
*Run to an art museum and stare at the Masters, the Rubens and Renoir concepts of feminine beauty, before Skinny-Skin shakes, Thighs-Be-Gone contraptions and bulimia recovery centers.
*If you’re still having a scintilla of doubt, get your doctor’s idea of feminine health. Since you can’t trust you, decide together what’s real about your size, then choose a course of action, if any, that will make you feel better about you.
*Believe this: whether you are curvaceously Queenly or a Q-Tip, we’re each as magnificent and unique as hand-dipped Godivas. Look at the legends: Monroe and Mansfield! Even today they’re remembered for their singular zaftignicity.
Need more proof? Just look into a lover’s eyes, see the lust-light, then grab a mirror and stand, stark naked and proud, in all your celestial glory. If you’re enjoying an active single life, know this: Your “intimates” have chosen you because they like you that way. Now it’s your turn to like you too.
WOUDJA BELIEVE A OUIJA?
Dear Marnie: My boyfriend and I recently played with a Ouija Board and it said we’ll be in a terrible traffic accident if we stay together. He thinks I’m crazy, but I’m really freaked! — RG
MARNIE SAYS: For you, muffin, I shall … prophesize! Ready? All set? Good! … Tonight, you shall light a match and burn the board! … Wait, there’s more … Ah! You shall do this before your fear makes you fulfill this loony prediction.
Got it? Excellent. Now whip out Candy Land, where the worst thing that can happen is you’ll be attacked by a gingerbread man. Then seek more meaningful spiritual guidance from someone and someplace that a) doesn’t deliver your fortune via cardboard; and b) isn’t sold by Toy City with the description: “For ages 3 to 10.”
Copyright © Marnie Macauley /2013 Singular Communications, LLC