Singular Solutions

Singular Solutions, Volume 2

Syndicated advice guru Marnie Macauley has a solution for a single woman whose girlfriend ditches their plans whenever a man steps in and asks her on a date.

Singular Solutions

BACK-BURNERED BUD

Dear Marnie: I’m a single woman in my 20s with a female friend who breaks dates with me whenever any guy asks her out and it’s especially bad when she’s in “love.” We both date a fair amount but also enjoy hanging out together or with other pals. The problem is she always puts her female friends below any male on her schedule, even if we’ve made other plans! I’ve told her this annoys me, but she laughs and just ignores me. Am I wrong here?

− Annoyed in Hollywood

MARNIE SAYS: If the lady’s “in love,” it’s conceivable she might duct-tape herself to her new romance till the sizzle fizzles. But in my book, a woman who regularly back-burners her girlfriends is a selfish, needy little piglet.

Getting It! Your Sensible Strategy:

If you refuse to give her a running kick out the door, shift the equation. Leave little “Miss Him First” out of your plans a few times, especially when she’s not in mating season.

Should she discover the girls went out together to see “Thelma and Louise: The Play” at the Women’s Arts Center and she asks why she wasn’t invited, say the tickets required planning and commitment —unlike her date calendar.

Advise her that in the future, it would be better if she called you to make plans, and if you’re available, great. If not, you wait for no mate.

Finally, suggest an activity that I call “Who’s Still Here?” Ask her to make a list of all the men she once thought were an important part of her life, then ask her how many she still sends holiday cards to. Have her do the same for her women friends over the last 10 years.

Point out the obvious … the men have high-tailed it, but she’s still looking at you, kid.

OVER EASY?

Dear Marnie:

I left my girlfriend three years ago after a six-year relationship. However, she will not accept that it’s over. She calls me at work all the time, e-mails me and tells me she wants me back. I’ve explained how I feel, but I don’t want to be cruel. I prefer being unattached, but I lied and told her I’m very interested in someone else. But it doesn’t seem to matter to her. Do you think she is playing mind games with me? I really do want to be rid of her!

— Sam

MARNIE SAYS:

No, darling, you don’t want to be rid of her. With all that chest expansion and head swelling, I suggest you walk in a hunched position to avoid nasty ceiling accidents. Forgive my bluntness, but as for games, you could own Parker Bros. Your big seller’s called “Mixed Messages.” You may be saying “No, no!” but your words and your actions are saying “Yes, yes!”

Getting it!  Your Personal Strategy:

Truth time, friend. It’s not your ex who won’t take “no” for an answer — it’s you. This “I don’t want to be cruel” caca plays better on i-Tunes than from your mouth.

Let’s move on to your TMs — True Motives. Finish this sentence five times: “I want my “ex” in my life because … wait, I’ll start you: One: “To be my Plan Z if I need someone to fold my underwear in 30 years.” Two: “To protect me from a real relationship.” Three: “To be the tragic hero in a gothic novel starring me!”

Quit it. There’s a wise, brave, decent man inside you, coax him out.  Your strategy? Guilt. Get some. If you were an honest little cherub  looking at your ex from on high, what would you truly wish for her?  Whoops! See? Your motives and wishes are so far apart, you’d need a Space Shuttle to travel between them.

Let your wishes outclass your motives. Let her go, already! She’s not your pal or your ego shot. Explain it to her briefly. Then, refuse her calls, block her e-mails, unfriend her on Facebook, Twitter, and any other way you’re trying “not” to connect with her.

Be honorable and kind enough to allow each of you to move on without the pitiful stench of “maybe” muddying your lives.

“BOOB” IN BUSINESS

Dear Marnie:

I found out the guy I’m seeing is still married. Funny, he “acted” just as surprised as I did when I confronted him. Supposedly, his wife didn’t file the papers and when she found out about me, moved back home with him. The clincher is — this is the really funny part — he was going to pay for me to have breast implants! He assures me the financing is not a problem and his wife will never find out. I do love him, but can I trust him?

— Abby Attic

MARNIE SAYS: Lusting lizards! This loony saga is about as “funny” as a tractor-trailer pile-up on the interstate. A philandering, prevaricator for a boyfriend and you ask if you should hang in for a “boob job?” You could play on, continue to betray another and believe this fellow, whose word carries the weight of bird droppings on the hood of a ‘79 Camaro.

Or you could just buy a Wonderbra.

Copyright © Marnie Macauley /2012 Singular Communications, LLC

Marnie MacauleyAdvice guru Marnie Winston-Macauley — therapist, author, speaker — has been a radio, TV, and syndicated advice columnist and counselor for over 20 years. Witty, wise and totally irreverent with a self-professed loathing for psychobabble, she’s written over 20 books and calendars, along with  hundreds of relationship columns and features for prominent publications.  She has her MS degree from the Columbia University School of Social Work.  In media, her work has garnered her Emmy and Writer’s Guild Best Writing nominations. She is widowed and now living single. For personal advice, you can also find Marnie Macauley on Liveperson.com or on Presto Experts. She invites you to join her on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn. 
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11 thoughts on “Singular Solutions, Volume 2

  1. You know your stuff and with genuine humor. I still appreciate how you guided me thru a painful and costly divorce.
    Having snooped my e mails, being in denial, and refusing to believe that I just wanted out, she decided that you were the “other woman.”
    You are bright, experienced and quite perceptive.

  2. Marnie’s advice is so practical and hilarious at the same time. give me more! she’s the farthest thing from kitsch I’ve read. thank you!

  3. I don’t know how long it takes you to write one of your spot-on answers, but it’s worth every minute. Somehow you’ve acquired the wisdom of several lifetimes, and you express it with just the right amount of sass. I love reading your stuff!

  4. Marnie’s the absolute very best – she continually validates, substantiates and vindicates everything that is RIGHT and (less than) RIGHT in my 44 (…and ticking) year marriage! With Marnie’s regular on-point advice I am embolstered to truddle on, and on…and on….

    1. Ah, Judge …. you must be doing something very right! (OK, more “rights” than “wrongs”:))

      Keep on truddling!

      Warmly, Marnie

  5. I feel like filing suit against marnie for not having her column available to me prior to my first marriage. If I had …… who knows. You are terrific , marvelous, incredible …. Keep up the great work ……

  6. I wish I’d had Ms. Singles Advice before I got married 26 years ago. Now that I’m single again, I’ve added this column to my contact list.

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