Stop Looking for Love

Stop Trying So Hard to Find “The One”


In fairy tales, his name is Prince Charming, in today’s world he’s called “the one” and in both cases the character is more fiction than fact.

Stop Looking for Love
Lori Martin/ 123RF Photo

In children’s books, it’s the heroic prince who rides to the rescue; in real life, this perfect man is called “the one.” Even though we all know that Prince Charming is a fictional character, many single women are still looking for a partner who is the fairy tale equivalent.

Dating with the sole purpose of finding “the one” can be frustrating and unrealistic and takes all of the fun out of the dating process. It literally means you are saying there is only one individual in the world who can fulfill your dating and relationship dreams. What a sad way to look at romance.

There are great single men out there that you might not even notice because they don’t fit the criteria on your dating wish list. It’s not about settling, it’s simply about not limiting your options by believing only one type of person is the key to your happiness.

Just think how different your experience would be if you treated your dates as casual get-to-know-you sessions rather than as auditions for the role you’ve created for your perfect mate. When single people are strictly focused on finding “the one,” the dating process becomes a job, rather than something to enjoy.

It’s unfair and unrealistic to expect your new love-interest to meet all of your dating criteria, especially in the first few months. Besides unintentionally overlooking someone special, you can also miss out on the joys and perks of being single, including the feeling of butterflies that pop up when you feel an organic connection with someone new.

When your goal isn’t to find “the one” and your expectations are more reasonable, you become less desperate and become someone that other singles want to be around and get to know.

Maybe you’re open to the idea of not making the search for “the one” your sole purpose in the dating game, but what do you do now? How do you date without the imperative to find the perfect man?

When you’re truly present, you’re more likely to relax, have fun, and make a fair assessment as to whether there is any chemistry between you and your date. The first few months should be about having fun and getting to know your potential love-interest, not about doing what you can to transform them into “the one” − or giving up on a potential love-interest because they don’t have 100 percent of the qualities on your list.

Here are some tips on how you can transform dating from a dutiful task to an enjoyable experience.

1. Avoid dating by default. Be selective but reasonable. Remain present, but also realistic to better enjoy the dating process. Your mindset is key. Consciously choose your dates and date night scenarios. Take an active role in creating the dating life of your dreams.

2. Leave your baggage in the past and start new relationships with a clean slate and an open mind. We all have some baggage, but don’t bring past relationship baggage into your current dating scenarios.

3. Make it your goal to make the most out of every date, whether it be for the short term or long-term, and get to know your love interest. Even if you don’t plan on going out a second time, why not make the best of the first? You may have absolutely no intention of seeing your date again, but that shouldn’t stop you from enjoying a night out on the town with someone new. If at the end of your date you find you’re not interested in going out again, at least you can say that you gave your date a real chance.

4. Choose to focus on the positive in dating scenarios and get excited about the possibilities when you meet someone new. See every new date as the beginning of a new romantic adventure, not just the search for perfection. Strive to make meaningful connections regardless of whether or not your potential partners meet all of your criteria. Be open because you never know where or when you might connect with someone.

When you aren’t focused on finding “the one,” you are more open to meeting, greeting and dating, and you will attract more potential partners who can fill your life with happiness. It’s important to enjoy the journey, not only be concerned with where the journey ends.

Ironically, when you focus on the journey rather than the fairytale ending, you’ll be able to appreciate your unique dating journey and be excited about the future when you meet a real-life, perfectly imperfect Prince Charming.

Copyright © Erin Tillman/2016 Singular Communications, LLC.

Erin TillmanThe Dating Advice Girl, Erin Tillman, is a single life consultant/dating expert/radio host/author who lives in Los Angeles, CA. Erin empowers singles to take control of their dating lives and stop “dating by default.” She also encourages singles to have a happy, healthy and enjoyable single life without losing themselves in the dating process. In addition to “The Dating Advice Girl Radio Show” on 99.3 KCLA FM, she contributes articles to various media outlets and has an active presence on social media. Her book, The Dating Guidebook, is a great tool for single people who want to date consciously and take control of their dating lives.

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