Single Ladies: Why the Negative Self Talk?

Single Ladies: Why the Negative Self Talk?


Too many single women spend too much time putting themselves down just because they’re … well … single!

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Last week I was out with a group of women, some I’d never met, for a girls night out. Sure enough, it didn’t take long for the conversation to turn to men — who had one, who didn’t. The women who were married or engaged took a superior position over the women who were single. It wasn’t because the married women necessarily wanted to be “top dogs” in the situation; it was because the single women willingly gave up their power to be of equal status. They were in awe of the women who “had one” and acted eager to learn the hidden secret that would make it possible for them to “have one” too.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to have a long-term romantic relationship, as long as it’s coming from your true self and not a blind assumption that single is bad and partnered is good. Single women are their own worst enemy in this regard. They tend to spend more time putting themselves down, apologizing for being single or framing their status in self-deprecating humor than any other topic in their conversational repertoire. It happened again just today. When I thanked a woman for the outstanding, selfless work she’d done to improve an inner-city community, she responded: “Well that what happens when you’re single (ha-ha); you have all this time on your hands and no husband to give you something better to do.”

There’s a quotation from Proverbs, the “wisdom” book in the Hebrew and Christian Bible: “We are snared by the words of our mouths” (Proverbs 6:2). The point being that whenever we speak something, our words have tremendous power. Just thinking negative thoughts is bad enough — but say them out loud and those words manifest into reality. Regardless of our spiritual beliefs, what we say about ourselves has a profound influence over our lives.

Yes, I know that things are changing and being single has become “trendy” for some, but the old idea that it’s bad to be single has been ingrained into our cultural consciousness. Many of us have rushed into marriage with the wrong person just to graduate to “top dog” position. Problem is, there are few things more miserable than 1) having a fear-based negative self-image just because you’re single or 2) marrying the wrong person and going through the hell of a divorce — or just deciding to settle into an unhappy life.

So, my single female friends, next time you start the “poor me I’m single” talk or start acting like a silly fool, joking about how desperate you are to grab a guy, realize those words are creating your reality. Keep talking about it, keep framing yourself in a negative way with all that forlorn conversation, keep seeing your singular status as a problem rather than an opportunity and don’t be surprised if your life is one of perpetual defeat.

The good news? It’s easy to change. All you have to do is start speaking words that build you up, words of self-acceptance, words of faith, words of positive energy to be the best person you can be. Tell me about all the places you’ve been and places you’re going, about your family and friends, about your dreams and aspirations. Tell me about the real solutions you have for your real problems, tell me about all the things that make you the fascinating and unique person you are. These parts of you are so much bigger (and more interesting) than hearing you complain about being single.

It’s so important to not just think, but speak, in a positive way, because then and only then will you finally find the happiness that is waiting for you. Your words are vital in bringing your dreams to pass — so please, stop that negative self-talk and start using your words to see yourself as the fascinating singular woman you already are or have the power to become.

Copyright © Kim Calvert/2015 Singular Communications, LLC.

Kim Calvert is the editor of Singular magazine and the founder of the SingularCity social networking community. An outspoken champion of people who are living their lives as a “me” instead of a “we,” Kim oversees the creative direction and editorial content of the magazine and online social networking community. She secures contributors and is responsible for maintaining the fun, upbeat, inspirational and often-humorous tone of Singular, a lifestyle guide for successful single living.

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4 thoughts on “Single Ladies: Why the Negative Self Talk?

  1. I’ve never heard a man do this – put himself down in a self-deprecating manner because he’s not married. Women do it all the time. It’s not funny ladies! Stop it!

  2. Elaine, I agree with you – great article. I am 48 years old and never married. I feel my social status affects me most at my job, where most of the people are married with kids, and that is all they talk about. I would also like to talk to other single people about how they deal with this.

  3. What a great article. I am a never married 58 year old woman and can so relate to what you talk about in this article. It would be great to talk with others who have not married.

    1. I’ve never married, 75, many relationships- backed out of weddings twice, met the one person I would have married. Circumstances prevented it. Young for my age, still dating. Lived with a man 11 years but just didn’t want to marry him. I’d love to talk with you if you wish. How do you feel about life. I love having a forum to connect with other singletons.

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