Dear Simon,

I need your help with this one. I am close friends with a couple. I first met the wife and later met her husband. I like both of them, but feel that my connection with the husband is a little stronger — we have similar temperaments and ideas. Now my friends are ending their marriage, which is hard for all of us. However, the wife now says that I have to choose sides and be friends with either her or her soon-to-be ex-husband. He, on the other hand, hasn’t asked me to make a choice. I feel terrible and don’t want to choose. How should I handle this? Is there a way to keep them both as friends? —Juggling Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

This is a dilemma, isn’t it? With horns. I don’t mean the difficulty of keeping a divorced couple as friends. That’s hard, but not impossible. The wife is morally wrong in asking you to choose sides, and you therefore have no obligation to comply. (Given how little morality has to do with human behavior, it’s going to be difficult for you to refuse to do so without alienating her, but I’m sure you can manage that with a little tact.) No, the real dilemma here is that I sense your relationship with her husband has hidden currents, and now that they are divorcing, those currents are beginning to emerge. I have no idea what is likely to surface, but it’s clear that until you figure out what your true feelings are toward him, you won’t be able to resolve your relationship with her. If you genuinely value them both, you should tread carefully.

Lucky Chica/ThatHappenedtoMe.com

+1

 

 

It's unfortunate, but I think a friend has to choose sides when a couple splits. Unless their split is incredibly amicable (which it rarely is), there is bound to be bitterness on both sides and you will find yourself feeling more and more uncomfortable with the situation if you try and remain active friends with both. This can be avoided if your friendships with them are at different levels - e.g. you'll go for a Sat lunch and/or movie with one, but only see the other at the occassional holiday party or office mixer. This is manageable. Or, as I mentioned above, if both members of the couple are remaining friendly. Otherwise, I believe you are asking for trouble. I don't think you owe it to either of them to state your choice, just make it a subtle distinction.

Monday 26 January 2009, 20:13

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