Hot to Trot — or Not

Hot to Trot — or Not

Birds do it, bees do it and yes, even single people do it. Advice guru Marnie Macauley has humorous and savvy sexual solutions for Los Angeles singles.

Sexual Relationship Advice

Gina Sanders / 123RF Photo

My dear Singularians: This week it’s about life’s great carnival – sex. There are so many myths and mysteries about it, and mysteries lead to questions, the most frequent being: “Is this (or am I) normal?

I don’t do “normal” simply because there is no one definition that suits us all. The real question is: Is my sex life working for me?  Assuming you’re not on a wanted poster (or should be), sexuality isn’t as simple as vanilla or chocolate. The flavors are endless, from Rocky Road to Super Tutti Fruiti and beyond.

PUT THIS GUY OUT TO PASTURE

Dear Marnie: What do you think of a 35-year-old man who exhibits no interest in sex or when he does, it’s the “let’s get this over with” variety? He is not gay and there’s no one else. My one attempt to discuss it was met with, “That’s what my ex-wife used to say.” (Does that tell you something?) He says he’s used to doing what he wants, when he wants to do it. In the meantime, he calls every day and wants me to spend time checking his horses and doctoring their hooves (I trim horse hooves for a living). Then he goes to bed at 8 p.m. My male friends are of the opinion that the guy has a screw loose. What do you suggest? – Val in Simi Valley

MARNIE SAYS: There can be any number of reasons for lazy lust: medical, emotional, one too many Tequila Sunrises. I could proffer some puffery to perk him up, like break open some bubbly, do some sensual show-and-tell or send him to a pro (that is, a doctor). But try this first:

Getting It! Your Personal Strategy:

* The prognosis: evaluate your chances of getting the kind of sexual response you want from him during your lifetime. Look at his habits and history — how they serve him and not you. For example: making love usually requires being awake. An 8 p.m. curfew with a girlfriend, even if he’s a farmer, suggests he’s hiding under a hay bale.

* The Rx: If he were strictly a doofus a little TLC and some 411 might work. But the chap knows he’s giving you what he gave his ex: chicken feed. (It’s his horses that get his caviar — on your nickel, yet.)

* Ask yourself what’s in it for you? Nothing, right?

* Pack up your manicure kit and put him out to pasture.

If this fellow is typical of the men in your life, do get help honey. But if he’s a dating aberration, whack yourself with a licorice whip and send him a bill.

PASSION FIGHTING

Marnie: My girlfriend and I are opinionated, loud and feisty. We’ve been together for three years and have a little girl. We are completely in love. The problem is we fight a lot, have fabulous sex, then talk it out. We’re fine with this. But when we mentioned it to some friends they were shocked and implied we needed counseling. Is what we’re doing wrong? P.S. We also have sex when we’re not fighting! —G.B.

MARNIE SAYS: Hmmm. Love, sex, fight, sex, talk. Is it wrong? For whom, poopsie? The neighbors? Your friends? Your Aunt Fanny? Do we care? No. It’s your relationship. Is it working? Well, let’s look.

Getting It! Your Personal Strategy:

* The “Is it Working” quiz: answer yes or no.

1) Are your fights verbal only? Y__ N__

2) Are they down’n dirty (or do they just make you feel that way?) Y__ N__

3) Are important issues resolved without getting buried under quivering silk sheets? Y__ N__

4) Are there ground rules? (Do you each know which buttons not to push?) Y__ N__

5) Do you argue and solve problems without the make-up sex? Y__ N__

6) Do you keep your passion-problem-solving away from your daughter? Y__ N __

If both of you honestly answered “no” to any of the above, take a closer look if you want more than hot, make up sex. You might consider ground rules such as settling some scores calmly before, well … scoring. Or, make sure you do all the tough work of resolving issues after your mating dance is done.

* If both of you honestly answered “yes” to all the questions, well, your pals take their pizza plain and you swoon over extra pepperoni. Sex isn’t an anesthetic or fairy dust whooshing away spats. But many find a little tussle a turn-on. If you tackle the big stuff head-on, then head for the dessert cart, it’s your call.

* Now, shut your windows. Quit asking the advice of “by-the-book” lovers who may have retired in a rage to their respective corners of the bed years ago and call it “normal.”

Finally, get soundproof walls so you can keep all the feisty and frisky play away from delicate ears that need to learn that Moms and Pops can disagree and resolve differences within normal decibel range, and in the light of day.

WHO’S IN CHARGE?

Dear Marnie: For a long time I have wondered whether I am abnormal. I can’t seem to resist sex! Whenever the opportunity arises I dive right in regardless of my feelings for the guy. Often, afterwards, I regret it and feel lousy about myself. For you information, I’m 29.  —Cally, Helpless & Hurting       

MARNIE SAYS: Angel, not desiring a firmly-packed lover at your age is “abnormal.”  BUT  …  when a perfectly sane female with an IQ above a Chia Head deems herself “out of control” and does a wanton leap with any male whose voice is deeper than Whoopie Goldberg’s, darker forces are at work here.  And they’re dangerous.

Getting It! Your Personal Strategy:

* You’re at war, my friend! As long as those demons who are prodding you to jump upon strangers without your own consent remain, they will take control. More, you’re jeopardizing both your emotional and physical health. The only way I know to win is to expose those demons and slay them.

*I could blather on about the holes in your self-esteem that are greater than your wish to knock it off, but that requires answers beyond a magazine column in Singular magazine. I suggest you find them with a superior counselor.

Kiddo, until you slay the little suckers and re-claim your soul and your choices, you’ll remain stuck and in the abyss. Go dial a counselor. Now.

IDEA’S A BUST

Marnie:  Please settle an argument. My boyfriend’s a “breast” man.  Even though our sex life is fine by me, he’s been bugging me to get implants. He says he’ll pay for it. I’m a 34B and happy with it, but his ex was a 38D, and he was very attracted to her. I want to please him, but I’m not sure this is something I want to do. What do you think? —Annette G

MARNIE SAYS: I think we know why they invented the word “boob.”  Now let me add, “boobette.”  While I recommend making ourselves desirable to our mates, I get nervous over anything that a) requires anesthesia; b) carries a risk greater than Mad Cow disease; c) can’t be removed with cold cream.

Getting It!  Your Personal Strategy:

* Ponder: What kind of man would push mutilation (yours) for the sake of titillation (his)?  For my dear readers who are happily implanted and may be offended by my use of the term mutilation, my definition refers to unwanted  “forced” altering of perfectly fine body parts – for kicks.

* What did we come up with? There are several possibilities. Pick One.

A) He cares about your welfare and believes your life will be much enhanced with a huge chest you don’t want.

B) He’s a superficial jackass who’ll risk your health and compromise your wishes.

* I assume you chose “B.” Now that we know his character, it would seem the problem here goes way beyond adding breast tissue. Heart and brain tissue move front and center.  He could use some.

However, you angel could use a lot more spine for considering compromising your body for another; and for holding you upright as you give him a running kick out of your life. Think about it.

Marnie MacauleyAdvice guru Marnie Winston-Macauley — therapist, author, speaker — has been a radio, TV, and syndicated advice columnist and counselor for over 20 years. Witty, wise and totally irreverent with a self-professed loathing for psychobabble, she’s written over 20 books and calendars, along with  hundreds of relationship columns and features for prominent publications.  She has her MS degree from the Columbia University School of Social Work.  In media, her work has garnered her Emmy and Writer’s Guild Best Writing nominations. She is widowed and now living single. For personal advice, you can also find Marnie Macauley on Liveperson.com or on Presto Experts. She invites you to join her on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn. 
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