Ready for the next must-have, self-help, find-love book? Comedian Debbie Kasper, as Dr. Zelda Bing, has lots of advice for lovelorn singles.
What can I say? Men dig me. I am a man-magnet. I couldn’t stop them if I wanted to. I’ve got that Je-nay-say-qua. (1) Pardon my French. I don’t brag, I simply state facts. But fret not, I’ve written this book to spread around my “qua.” (2) This MAN-ual will help you wade your way through the deep and crappy end of the sewer plant of love. In other words: I’m going to help you locate, identify and hold onto a man. Because let’s face it, keeping him is the hard part. It’s easy to find someone to sleep with you. The hard part is getting him to sleep with you again, and forever and always. (Oh my God, that sounds just icky, doesn’t it?)
Scout’s honor, when it comes to men, without a guidebook you might as well be a sperm trying to swim its way through a vasectomy. Eventually you hit that darn wall. Isn’t it high time you got off your high horse and learned to settle, missy? And I think I know a little something about men, I’ve been married four times! (Although once was by accident…I thought we were doing a play.)
NOBODY CAN MAKE A MAN LOVE YOU! BUT THIS BOOK DOES GIVE YOU THE TOOLS TO STALK HIM & HUNT HIM DOWN UNTIL HE EVENTUALLY TIRES OF RUNNING!
This is the last book about men you’ll ever have to buy. Mind you, men don’t have manuals on us chicki-wahs. (3) They don’t surf the Kindle Sea looking for books on how different men and women are; they don’t care. I asked some. They just think we’re strange. We think that comment needs delving into, whereas men really only like to delve into us. Seriously, ladies, why aren’t there books telling men how to catch US??!!!???
Here are some book titles for men you’ll never see:
- Broads Are People Too (In a Way)
- Wanna Hold My Drink While I Take A Wicked Piss? (& Other Snappy Pick-up Lines)
- 50 Shades of Beer
- Hot Chicks & Other Pizza Toppings
- Men Who Run with the Bitches
- How to Keep Your Babe from Going Lesbo
- Chicks! One More Thing I Gotta Friggin’ Worry About!
Men believe that a fat wad of cash and a bucketful of spicy wings are the only self-help they need—for anything. Furthermore, they think that if you bother to read a “how to” book, you better have a free-standing wood shed at the end to show for it.
AND IF YOU THINK THAT’S A STEREOTYPE, READ ON—THAT’S JUST THE BEGINNING. THIS BOOK IS CHOCK FULL OF THEM!
Hence — we the chickie-wahs are in charge of the relationships. We are the Mating Butlers. (4) That’s right: if love were grass, we’d be the mower. If love were an eyebrow, we’d be the pluckers. It’s only page three and already I digress. We women do that. We like to go off on tangents; we unpack bags, decorate and stay awhile. Men can’t follow tangents. Can you? See? I’ve lost them.
Hello? Men? Yoo-hoo? Yodel-lay-he-who?!
They’re like dogs at a squirrel sanctuary. The point is that men don’t read about, ask for, or want help. They have it all worked out that women do all the work. We read all the books, we go on all the diets while they go they go out for spicy wing-dings at the beer saloon with another Mr. Man-hole who isn’t worrying about women, either.
We chickie-wahs stay home, popping Garcina Cambogia (4) tablets, running on the treadmills that lurk in our bedrooms so that our skin will fit us nicely should one of them ask to see us in the buff!
This is not a self-help book, or as I prefer to call them; shelf-help books. They fill up your shelves, not your life.
This is a zelf-help book. It’s help for your new zesty-self; your “ZELF.”(5) By the end of this guidebook, you’ll have a plan, a blueprint for happiness for your zelf. Besides, a book won’t find you a man, going fishing will. So, this zelf-help book will help you get some tools to teach you how to swim in the swamp of love. Consider this book a pair of flippers, if you will.
THIS ISN’T A GAME, IT’S A JOB! GRAB A PICK-AX AND GET THEE TO A MINE!
The sad but true fact is that beautiful, glorious women everywhere are date-free, alone, untethered, unloved, sobbing in dark cafes over a split of wine, (that they split with themselves). I can only imagine that the men are alone, too, but we don’t hear men complaining that they can’t find girls. Men don’t complain much, period. They don’t like to complain because it might be misinterpreted as communication. Men don’t like to communicate; it gets in the way of the sex. Women, on the other hand, love to complain. To us gals, complaining is foreplay.
WOMEN BELIEVE THAT COMPLAINING BURNS CALORIES. THAT’S WHY THIN WOMEN ARE SUCH BITCHES.
From all corners of the world, you can hear women complain that there just aren’t any men anywhere. Boo-hoo. Every time I hear a chickie-wah say, “I can’t find a man, boo-hoo!” I know right off the bat, that she just doesn’t use her peepers. I know. I used to be that chickie-wah! Zelda Bing spent an entire decade single in Akron, Ohio, whining that I never met any men, like a starving orangutan in a library, crying, “Where’s all the bananas?” Then I got hip to the scene, man. You must go where they are.
(BTW, the only men who came into my apartment that decade in Akron were Chinese food delivery boys. Honest, you can bolt the door behind them all you want, and weep, “I’m so lonely!” and they still aren’t going to marry you! They have other Moo-Goo-Gai-Pans (6) to deliver.
There are men everywhere, so if you can’t find one, possibly something else is going on with you. Like maybe, just perhaps, deep down inside, you are just not ready. Maybe YOU can’t cope with the stuff a relationship might drop onto your lap. Possible? Yes, having a relationship with a man is like having a job, but every day is Monday. You need to have patience, tools, help, and ice cream. If you can’t cope, you can’t cope. It’s not for everybody.
MY VERY OLD GREAT AUNT PHOEBE ALWAYS SAID, “COPE, SCHMOPE, PASS THE SCOTCH. THAT’S AN OPTION TOO.
A man will make you feel. That is a given. Feelings are work. So, yes, do the math: men are work. Maybe you are simply not ready to feel your feelings. Yes, feelings can hurt. DOY! That’s why they’re called feelings. Otherwise they would be called candy. And if you‘re not up for the task, it’s not required. You do not need a man to complete you. You are already complete. It’s vital that at this exact point in time, you must make sure you are up for this.
But if you really want one, then read on.
The point is:
Stop waiting for a man to complete you.
Complete yourself, yourself. Most importantly: BE YOURSELF. BE YOU. YOURSELF.
No one else wants the job, trust me.
Copyright © 2015 Debbie Casper