A conversation with a newly divorced friend was a reminder that attitude is everything when embarking on a newly singular life.

Darlene is someone I’ve known for 20 years, and for much of that time I’ve been in awe of her 25-year marriage. From the outside looking in, I thought Darlene and her successful attorney husband had the perfect storybook relationship. She didn’t have to work, she had hobbies, they traveled, entertained their friends and spent lazy Sundays together in their lovely home. They were living the classic American dream.

So you can imagine my surprise when she filed for divorce.

I would periodically hear about their traumatic separation, the adversarial attorneys, the divorce mediation process, putting their home up for sale and dividing the assets — all devastating and painful. There are no easy divorces. (I’m still waiting for an opportunity to tell that to the therapist who urged me to marry a man I’d known for six months: “You can always get divorced.”)

Their home sold within a month, but the place Darlene planned to rent wasn’t ready. Her accountant told her she should buy a home instead. She did, after looking for just a few weeks. Then, between escrows, she sorted through all their belongings, divided and packed up 25 years’ worth of “just us” to fit into her new life as “just me.”

Two days before the moving van was set to arrive, she fell down the stairs of her soon-to-be-former home, losing consciousness at the bottom. Waking up in a heap, she dragged herself back to bed in terrible pain and waited until morning to call a friend to take her to the hospital. She had three broken ribs.

“When you woke up at the bottom of the stairs,” I asked, astounded by yet another twist and turn in her life drama, “did you regret getting divorced? Did you think whatever was wrong with your marriage would have been worth tolerating if it meant he would have been there to help you?”

Surely, being injured and alone in a dark house that night must have made her wonder if her new life as a single woman was such a great idea after all.

“Heck no,” she whooped, in her vivacious Texas accent. “You know what that taught me? That I need to slow down and take time to rest. I was doing way too much way too fast. It was a wake-up call that I need to start taking better care of myself.”

Well! What a brilliant attitude: no blame, no fear and a commitment to self-care — all from a newly single woman in her 50s who in the last 12 months has experienced stress with a capital “S.”

What did I get out of that conversation? That the best way to defuse my own fears and anxieties is to offer an attentive ear to someone else who has problems bigger than my own. I had a lot on my mind that day, but taking the time to listen and to say, “That’s so amazing, I can’t believe you’ve been through so much and you’re still doing so great,” had tremendous power to deflect my own concerns — not to mention gave me a great attitude adjustment.

Copyright © Kim Calvert/2010 Singular Communications, LLC.