Single women looking for a man.

Holiday Mate Hunting Season

There’s something about the December holidays that inspire even the most resolute single woman to polish up her artillery and go in pursuit of the elusive single male.

Single women looking for a man.
Atelier Sommerland / 123RF Photo

Maybe it’s the upcoming holidays, but for some strange reason, I’ve been bumping into a lot of single women who are on the hunt – for a man – and taking it very seriously. Sure, there are the mundane responsibilities of everyday life, but in December, the priority to track him down and tie him up seems to take on a new urgency. After all, who wants to be single over Christmas and start the New Year alone? Or so the thinking goes.

But not just any man. Most women in mate-hunting mode want a guy who has “a bit more” than they do. What “more” is depends on the woman, but basically it means more of a reliable source of income, along with the ability to muster up good table manners when required and limited baggage (ex-wives receiving alimony and children getting child support). After that, it’s simply a matter of chemistry, what stage the moon is in, what kind of day they’ve had, good mood, bad mood or state of inebriation — or simply that it’s the month of December.

But what’s so ironic about mate hunting – especially if there’s even a hint of desperation attached – is that it rarely works. The old saying that you’ll meet someone when you’re not looking has always been my experience, although it took a couple of decades to learn. If you added up all of the hours I’ve spent going out with an agenda to find him, I could have had three Ph.D.’s by now, while every single long-term relationship was the result of meeting someone when I wasn’t looking.

That hunting ritual began in my 20s and lasted into my early 40s. I spent a considerable time at nightclubs, bars, parties — mostly with girlfriends who were also on the hunt — scoping the room for the ever-elusive, long-term relationship boyfriend. Sure I connected with some interesting guys, but I’d have a hard time recalling their names now if you asked me.

On the other hand, I met my ex-husband in the elevator of an office building in Century City. Another long-term relationship resulted from an online dating site, but not like you’d think. I wanted to write a story about how dreadful online dating was and agreed to a date so I could get the relevant material. Instead, I ended up liking the guy and we ended up spending years together.

Another long-term flame boarded his horse where I boarded mine. If you know anything about horses, you know it’s mostly women who have them. The stable was the last place I expected to find a romantic relationship. I’d go to the barn with a ponytail, no makeup and baggy jeans — just the opposite of how I’d look when I was officially on the hunt — yet he and I clicked immediately.

That’s why I stopped looking and stopped working so hard to find him. Sure, I’ll scan the room when I’m out to see who catches my eye, but the expectation that tonight will be the night is gone. These days I just show up for life and let what happens happen. And oddly enough, when I do that, something interesting always does, even when it doesn’t involve a romantic connection. 

Copyright © Kim Calvert/2015 Singular Communications, LLC.

Kim Calvert editor of Singular magazine.Kim Calvert is the editor of Singular magazine and the founder of the SingularCity social networking community. An outspoken champion of people who are living their lives as a “me” instead of a “we,” Kim oversees the creative direction and editorial content of the magazine and online social networking community. She secures contributors and is responsible for maintaining the fun, upbeat, inspirational and often-humorous tone of Singular, a lifestyle guide for successful single living.

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One thought on “Holiday Mate Hunting Season

  1. Hello Kim!

    While this may be your recollection, in fact, you actually WERE “looking” for that guy – even though you believe you had stopped looking.

    I hear this often from my clients but when we delve into it deeper, it turns out that they had spent a great deal of time preparing themselves to find him (or her!) and in fact, were completely prepped, armed and ready. What they stopped wasn’t really the search but the prep-work.

    Actively looking doesn’t prevent you from finding someone, but not preparing absolutely will. You want to be in “fighting shape” before you hope to meet this person and let your subconscious mind and intent lead you directly to where they can be found. That’s true of meeting someone over the holidays, in the new year, for Valentine’s Day, over the summer, etc.

    It works!

    Dr. Dennis

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