This Los Angeles woman learned she can’t expect a husband to have the power to make her happy if she’s not already happy being single.
“How come you’ve never been married?” is a question I’m often asked regardless of the topic of conversation. When I explain a recipe to someone, “Oh, I never knew I could substitute butter for coconut oil to get crunchier cookies, by the way, how come you’ve never been married?” At my father’s funeral, “Your father was a great man and he loved you so much. By the way, how come you’ve never been married?”
I am aware that I’m a forty-something woman who is single, has never married and has no kids. Sadly, I am often pitied. By L.A. standards I should be on my third husband by now, or at least be going through my second divorce; but taking the divorce rate into consideration, I think the pity is being misplaced. Being single is not a badge of honor, nor is it a death sentence; it’s just my present status.
Considered to be attractive, intelligent, kind, and approachable, I know you’re probably thinking, “If she’s single then something must be wrong with her.” Many say that those who fail at having long-term relationships are meant to be alone. So, what am I doing to scare men off? Nothing. Apparently, I’m that perfect “available” someone that all my married or attached friends want their perfect single friend to meet. Even mothers introduce me to their sons.
At one point in my life, every other week, I was being set up on blind dates without my knowledge. I’d attend gatherings with friends and I would end up being the only single woman being hounded by the only single man. They always gave the guy the 411 on me, but never gave me the heads-up. As a result, the men would assume I was looking for love and that I would automatically be interested in them. Perhaps there would have been a connection had it not been so obvious and awkward?
For me, it’s all about choosing to be happy with someone, not choosing to be with someone who will make me happy. As I wrote in my book, How to Hate Less, Date Better, and Love Always, needing to be made happy would mean that I am presently unhappy — that I’m depending on others to bring joy into my life where none exists. What happens when that person is not around? On the other hand, if I’m presently happy as a single person, I will be happy with someone; meaning “with” as in “together” and the happiness will be elevated in their presence.
On numerous occasions so many self-proclaimed relationship experts have offered me advice on how to hook a guy; apparently, it’s as easy as one, two, three:
- Show lots of cleavage!
- Know how to cook good food!
- Play hard to get!
Three simple things… who knew? I’m being unapologetic when I say that my kind of man is required to have a bit more depth than that. I’ve outgrown the desire for the “bad boys.” I find myself gravitating more toward the kind of guys who volunteer in my soup kitchen.
I live in Los Angeles, very close to Hollywood. At any given time I could cast out a net and pull in a plethora of men who met the following criteria: physical attraction, intelligence, sexual compatibility and things in common.
One might think that would mean hitting the jackpot, however, without the most important thing, chemistry, all those things have no value. Being “happy,” I can go on and still live a wonderful life of love, with compassion and excitement (all things that come with a healthy relationship) without settling for less than I deserve or forcing something to work that should just happen naturally.
So why am I still single? It’s quite simple, it’s not because I am meant to be alone, it’s because I deserve to be happy.
Copyright © Tricia Maxx/2014 Singular Communications, LLC.