Dating the Green Eyed Monster

Dating the Green Eyed Monster

Singles advice guru Marnie Macauley has humorous and savvy solutions for dating when jealousy, also known as the green eyed monster, rears its ugly head.

Dating the Green Eyed Monster

B Lamb / 123RF Photo

This week, my dear Singulararians, we deal with green. No, I’m not talking about gelt (alas), but rather that green-eyed monster that can turn even relatively “normal” humans into rabid Kermits ready to stomp on and rip up blossoming sprouts of tender fondness.

Can you slay the green demon? Should you slay it? Read on, brave warriors.

CONQUER THE GREEN WITH THE GREEN

Marnie: I have a HUGE problem with jealousy. My boyfriend is a wonderful, trustworthy man. But the green monster rears its ugly head whenever there’s an attractive woman around. I’ve already sought counseling for this, but do you have any other suggestions for warding off the “ugly green monster”? — K.C. in L.A.

MARNIE SAYS: I could psychobabble you and tell you that issues of trust and jealousy are about the need for control, attention and fear of abandonment. But hey, you’ve done your couch time with a therapist, and you’re still green. I’ll keep it to a simple action and reaction. Your jealousy is as appetizing to your BF as a dumpster in downtown Calcutta. Quit it or you’ll lose your guy. You can do it! We just need to get … creative.

Getting It! Your Personal Strategy:

* Each time you feel your Kermititis rise, say to yourself: “This is hacking my life to shredded wheat. I refuse to go there.”

* Enter the Land of Linguistic Opposites. When you and your BF spy a female with less than five inches of shorts say: “Wow, is she buff or what?” Then smile!

* If he comments about a woman, no pouts, doubts, or bouts from you are allowed. Trust me. He’ll be so knocked out by your confidence that you’ll have a miraculous victory! This may take a few tries. After all, he’ll be waiting for your other stiletto to drop — on his kidney.

* Be diligent. No backsliding. Tape your tongue to the roof of your mouth.

* Now, the fun part. Keep a reward kitty. The amount is up to you, but make it part of your budget. Tuck it into your pantyhose drawer. Privately pay yourself each time you rise victorious against the green demon. The tougher the challenge, the bigger the reward. At the end of the month, blow it on something glorious, such as a lobster fest for both of you!

What is all this gimmickry about? It is about acting as you wish to be. You’ll also reap major rewards, which will keep you acting that way. The more you act it, the more you’ll believe it, until eventually, it will become the real you — beautifully.

A NOTCH ABOVE OR BELOW?

Dear Marnie: I’m really disappointed with myself. After being happily married to a wonderful woman for 20 years and now widowed, I got involved with my present girlfriend. Everything’s fine except for the  feelings of jealousy that surface when she brings up her past. She’s had many lovers before me (she’s only my fourth) and some cross our path on a regular basis. I know that quantity of lovers has no bearing on the quality of our relationship, but I’m still uneasy with it. Is this normal or a sign of a deeper problem within me? — Uneasy Lover

MARNIE SAYS: My poor stallion. Your problem is perfectly normal for your condition — male — which means you have a bazillion years of evil evolution telling you that any female who’s had more than one lover will cave-jump when she sees a fellow with a bigger club. As this column is way too high-toned to get graphic, I’ll wax metaphorical. Let’s talk … food.

Getting It! Your Personal Strategy:

* Consider this. You were “mentored” for two decades by Julia Childs. (I wouldn’t sic Martha on you.) Yes, for 20 years you’ve explored the mysteries of the oh so good “Mousseline” and know exactly how to whisk an egg to perfection.

* Now consider this. If your lady’s been around a bit, chances are she’s been yelling into a few clown faces while you’ve been repasting like a gourmand.

* The point is darling, sexual genius comes in all ranges of experience. If the lady has no complaints, stop worrying.

* The one thing I might worry about is her IQ. Any woman who offers up a lover “count” (especially if she includes those whose paths you regularly cross) has the brains, the tact and the sensitivity of a speed bump. All of which suggests that she may be the one with “the deeper problem.”

A GREEN “BEAU?”

Dear Marnie: I’ve been dating someone for four months. He says he’s in love and wants me to commit. The problem is he’s very overprotective. At a concert three days ago he got extremely angry because I was talking to an old friend. This is typical. He also looks over my shoulder when I’m reading my e-mail. He’s crazy jealous. Other than that he treats me like a princess. When I mention it he tells me that his jealousy proves he loves me. — Stressed in Santa Monica

MARNIE SAYS:
Honey, next to a can of Lysol and a dust mop, if there’s one thing that makes my hackles salute, it’s uncorked, unprovoked jealousy — especially from a male who vacillates between paranoia and pedestals.

Getting It! Your Personal Strategy:

* OK, princess. You can spend a lot of time blathering about how the good fellow peels your grapes for you, and buys your Midol. But sweetie, anyone who crowns you, then kicks up thorns when you speak to another, has a hole in his head the size of Space Mountain. One, I might add, that could be as dangerous, should you venture to the edge of the silly thing.

* So, much as I detest ultimatums, either he gets help to Crazy Glue his ego or I’d consider abdicating. If not, my dear Rapunzel, the next time you offer a pal a Milk Dud, you may find yourself locked in a bell tower, getting your mail up your braids.

Copyright © Marnie Macauley / 2013 Singular Communications, LLC

Marnie MacauleyAdvice guru Marnie Winston-Macauley — therapist, author, speaker — has been a radio, TV, and syndicated advice columnist and counselor for over 20 years. Witty, wise and totally irreverent with a self-professed loathing for psychobabble, she’s written over 20 books and calendars, along with  hundreds of relationship columns and features for prominent publications.  She has her MS degree from the Columbia University School of Social Work.  In media, her work has garnered her Emmy and Writer’s Guild Best Writing nominations. She is widowed and now living single. For personal advice, you can also find Marnie Macauley on Liveperson.com or on Presto Experts. She invites you to join her on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn. 
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