Ending A Relationship

Ending A Relationship

If we have the courage to be honest and direct, ending a relationship can be better for all involved, but why is it so hard to take care of ourselves?

Ending A Relationship

Diego Cervo 123RF Photo

A friend of mine recently announced that she and her long-term boyfriend have decided to have a baby. I was surprised to hear this because they’ve been fighting a lot over the last two years, and she told me just a month earlier they hadn’t had sex in months!

Most people will say it sounds like my friend doesn’t want to face the fact that her relationship is over. Her idea to have a baby is a misguided attempt to avoid facing the painful fact that a split would be a better idea — before there’s a third party in the picture.

No doubt having a baby is a drastic way to avoid facing uncomfortable facts, but I have to admit that I’m guilty myself of bending over backward to avoid putting a bad relationship out of its misery. Instead of just being direct and honest about how it’s not working, I’ll either go into “fix-it” mode (like my friend who now wants to get pregnant) or I’ll do things to sabotage the relationship so the other person will end it for me.

Fixing is my preferred way out. I’ll be the last one standing in the wreckage with a new idea, a new approach, and that “one more time” effort to make something work that just isn’t. And it’s not just romantic relationships — it happens with friends, employees and clients, even organizations.

Other people will let a relationship languish and die from lack of attention — just kind of fade out as they tiptoe out of the relationship and hope the other party doesn’t notice until they’ve disappeared from sight. There’s also the sabotage approach. Be a jerk, consistently, and sooner or later the other person will tell you it’s over, sparing you from doing the dirty work.

Whether it’s fixing, sabotaging or the “grand fadeout,” it’s just a way to temporarily avoid the painful truth. All three methods work, eventually, but why is it so hard to just be honest and direct, to say, “This relationship isn’t working for me. I need to … (move out, give my two weeks’ notice, file for divorce, stop dating you — fill in the blank).”

Avoiding the truth when it only prolongs the pain increases the discomfort for all involved parties — still easier said than done, at least in my experience. As frightening as it is, owning our power with honesty and directness is the only way to really take care of ourselves. Now, if only we could do it!

Copyright © Kim Calvert/2014 Singular Communications, LLC.

Kim Calvert is the editor of Singular magazine and the founder of the SingularCity social networking community. An outspoken champion of people who are living their lives as a “me” instead of a “we,” Kim oversees the creative direction and editorial content of the magazine and online social networking community. She secures contributors and is responsible for maintaining the fun, upbeat, inspirational and often-humorous tone of Singular, a lifestyle guide for successful single living.

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6 thoughts on “Ending A Relationship

  1. Dear Barbara,
    I am currently going thru a nasty divorce, hopefully final in 60 days. I have been separated from my “ex” husband for almost 3 years. I am currently dating this guy for a year now. Everything was perfect, a real dream come true, treated me and my children so wonderful, (like a queen) still does, until he made a mistake and slept with his ex wife, she came to my house and told it all, he admitted to this, and I did forgive him, because no one is perfect, and everyone makes a mistake., but his ex wife has just been brutal. I am taking care of their child, and she basically has nothing to do with him, and he is always defending her no matter what. What do I do??? Do I just give up, and tell him that she has won. I can’t compete anymore for respect from her. She calls me and texts me constantly. I love him, but I don’t need the stress anymore. Help!!! What do I do.

  2. I can totally relate. I lived with, and financially supported, my last boyfriend for almost 10 years. Although I had been unhappy in the relationship for years I was afraid to end it because I didn’t want to be alone. When I finally told him that if he was only there because he had nowhere else to go it wasn’t fair to me. It took him 6 months to finally move out. Parting was still sad; you can’t live with someone for that long without having feelings for them (and the sex was great).

    Unfortunately, about a week after he moved I found out, on Facebook of all places, that he was engaged to another woman. Talk about feelings of betrayal! That was two years ago and I’m still smarting over it. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust another man again.

  3. Dear Kim,

    I know an Apriva Diva
    Who dumps her Sugar Daddy
    When she finds a new Stevia Poppa
    To pay for the Splenda in her blendah.

    Her Honey is the one with the money
    That’s the way she likes it…Sweet’n Low!
    Her former lover’s sequel, is never financially Equal
    Her demeanor, is powered by Artificial Sweetener.

    There is no time of day, for Agave
    Molasses is simply for the masses.
    But her groin requires coin
    There is locomotion, in her Granulated emotion.

    When you think she’s found a kingpin, for her Saccharin
    She’ll find fault in his Barley Malt
    She’ll be a defector for more nectar
    And she’ll cheat, to get more NutraSweet

    Fellas, best not to pucker up, if you want to hold onto your Maple Syrup
    Even Archimedes could have had diabetes.
    I worry for those, who are preyed on for glucose.
    You’ll never win…for her sister is her SugarTwin

    Sincerely,
    Barbara

  4. The article regarding Ending a Relationship, is directly on point. Neither gender has the corner on the market in being ‘better’ at this break-up process than the other. Maturity is the biggest factor in how you communicate the hard facts with a person, any person, in which you have a relationship. Good to everyone in empowering yourself to be the best you can be!

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