The Singular Man
Avoiding Arguments with Men
Check out our “top ten” list of relationship situations that can almost guarantee to start a fight between a man and a woman.
There are some arguments that simply can’t be won because there’s no right or wrong — it’s just a matter of seeing the world with our own unique Mars or Venus perspectives. In the interest of world peace, sometimes it’s better to let go, walk away and let us men have our space. We promise to reward your mercy with our undying faithfulness. All you have to do is avoid these top 10 argument-igniting situations.
10. NFL Sundays
Sundays are for quality R & R and time spent in front of the television wearing our favorite sweatpants. Don’t ask us to do this and that, we’ve worked hard all week. Let us enjoy our Sunday dose of NFL (or other sports) action in peace, please. A beer, chips and guac would be great too. Love you!
9. Twilight Obsession
We’re neither Team Jacob nor Team Edward, so don’t take it personally if we’re reluctant to watch these movies with you. Feel free to excuse yourself from watching the new “Avengers” movie or any subsequent comic book adaptation from now on. See, we know how to meet you halfway.
8. Passenger Seat Driver
We’re not driving too fast or too recklessly, this is normative for us and you’re just being a grandma. Take a Xanax and we’ll let you know we get there.
7. “Innocuous” Testing
As Ronnie from “Jersey Shore” once said, “I don’t like tests. Don’t test me, because I will fail a majority of the time.” Don’t do things in order to gauge our response. Physical and emotional harm to research subjects is unethical and unlawful.
6. Bargaining Interest, Care and Love
If we forgot to call, you say we obviously weren’t thinking about you. If we forget to pick up your extra ketchup packets from McDonalds, you say we really don’t care for you. If we’d rather play videogames right now, you say it means we don’t love you. Please, stop over analyzing and reading too deep into situations.
5. Trick Questions
“Do I look fat in this?”, “Who do think is the most attractive of my friends?”, or “What would you change about me?” Don’t even ask these questions because an argument is inevitable. We will either a) lie to you or b) be honest with you. It’s a lose-lose situation, and if we’re honest with you, you probably won’t like the answer.
4. Recent Internet History
If you see a porn site on our recent history or that we recently Googled “Kim Kardashian sex tape,” don’t take offense or be disgusted. The accessibility and availability of Internet porn is a burden bestowed upon men since the early dial-up modem days. It’s an argument that you won’t win, so you should probably just accept it.
3. A Shoddy Alibi
I don’t remember the exact details of my day on the third week, of the first day, of last month. We’re not lying to you nor omitting any details, we simply can’t keep track of every little event that happens in our lives. Stop interrogating like you’re a prosecutor and we’re on trial.
2. The Bachelor/Bachelorette
When watching these horrendous dating shows, don’t ask us why we don’t do anything sweet for you anymore. These situations are artificial, contrived, and completely misleading. This man isn’t what he appears to be. The television producers set up (and paid for) this completely lavish candlelight dinner. He’d rather be drinking a beer and sitting in his lazy boy chair watching baseball. Don’t expect us to compete with a helicopter ride to a secluded beach equipped with a luxurious outdoor furniture set.
1. Friendly to Other Women
This is easily the worst repetitive argument that men endure. Listen, if we’re in a mutually exclusive, monogamous relationship with you, it’s for a reason: you stand above the rest. Just because we’re friendly to other women or have women as friends doesn’t mean we’re hitting on them nor having an affair. So please, don’t monopolize our contact with other women.
Take it or leave.
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