Check out these five tips on how to tell if the person you’re dating is a nutcase, and if any on our list sound familiar, get out while you still can.
Dating anyone in this day and age is as ambiguous, if not more vague, than it ever was. Facebook provides a mere glimpse of your partner’s idealized self, Twitter only reveals what it can in 140 characters or less, and LinkedIn shows this bizarro world where you’re the tight-assed professional you have to pretend to be for your employer.
If only every person you decide to date came with a resume, nerdy excel spreadsheet, or at least Cliff Notes to tell you their scouting report. Only then would you truly know what you are getting yourself into.
Or maybe something like a horse racing program. Where it lists all your suitors’ past dating experience, how they fared, and gives them witty little one-liner names like Dragon Breath, Charming MFer, or Close But No Cigar.
Unfortunately these nifty tools don’t exist … Well possibly they do, stored in the deep, dark secret data rooms of Facebook HQ, but I speculate that Zuckerberg has the Garthok from Coneheads protecting them.
With the early stages of dating so convoluted by the delusional honeymoon phase, how is anyone supposed to know if they’re committing to some crazy, superficial narcissist or the next Lorena Bobbitt?
I’ve experienced my fair share of crazies and here are the warning signs:
Stage 5 Clinger
The most traditional sign that you’re dating a crazy is the Stage 5 Clinger. They assume they’re allowed to go wherever you go, or worse, they show up uninvited to events where you wanted to ride solo. Upon discovering a wedding invitation for you plus one, they start asking you what they should wear to the reception.
Call them out on it and hopefully they’ll realize they were being a bit ambitious, but if they get an attitude, then you know what? Something suddenly came up.
The Eye of Sauron
It’s a nerdy Lord of the Rings reference, I know, but hopefully some of you will appreciate that masterpiece of a film trilogy.
Recognize if your partner constantly watches what you’re doing or looks over your shoulder while you’re texting. This indicates major damage to their relationship psyche and their ability to trust. A watchful eye that constantly follows you around, critiquing your slightest movements, is a definite red flag.
Next time you see them peeking over your shoulder while you’re using your phone, act like you’re texting, but say these words: “Are you really watching me text this right now? Please stop. We should see other people.”
Then prepare to duck, you might get smacked.
Birds of a Feather Flock Together
Take a long good look at his or her friends because they’re often similar to the person you’re dating — they share interests and have complimentary values. Pay special attention to the way they talk about members of the opposite sex.
If they are unreasonably judgmental of others, it suggests they hold ludicrous standards for the relationship. I’m all for having high expectations, but criticizing a man for wearing sneakers out to the bar is over the top. If the guy you’re dating partakes with his buddies in heckling women (i.e. referring to them as dumb sluts) then the dude has a problem with women — simple.
Questions on Questions
The interrogator is one of the worst types of crazy. It’s that person who wants to know everything you’re doing or have done, down to minute details. You find yourself constantly explaining and justifying your actions.
A simple trip to the mall turns into a secret relationship with Paul Blart in Mall Cop. Somebody liking your Facebook status is deemed a serious threat to their emotional well-being. Your friend at the office is automatically somebody that you screw on your lunch breaks.
Get out while you still can.
Reading between the Lines
You run into someone who claims to have heightened intuition, some sort of sixth sense, or special ability to read between the lines for subtle meanings like they’re John Nash from A Beautiful Mind.
Listen, unless you’re a licensed psychotherapist or you’re a bona fide expert in extra sensory perception, it’s just another opinion — and you know what they say about those. Those abstract ideas about being able to tell when someone is telling the whole truth — or not — is complete speculation. Having a feeling is not substantial evidence.
You are crazy.
Take it or leave it ; )